In celebration of the new Hot Zones . . . "The Burned Woods"

Re-found this old story I had seen back in 2004 or earlier originally, but posted on Allakhazams in 2005 (this is part 1 of 3).

Figured would give a lot of old time players a good chuckle:

The SoW story

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see the message: "d00d sow plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb (hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes behold? Only myself and the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me. Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ ****, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all " (um..pardon..I meant "/who all petitioner")

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right? There's NO WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT????? /em begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i couldn't catch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a **** about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me ****"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various and sundry communication facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "***"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they began randomizing zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet. Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north. When it forks to the right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble, just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east ***???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner


Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "***? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly before my dog dialed 911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.

Mujahid Mukhtaar
Questmaster of the Enchanted Ci

Perfect mixture of fiction and sad sad truth. Awesome story.

1. I like part 2 better
2. 
   
   
   Part 2
   
   Here comes some idiot Dark Elf running past me, running straight down
   the road that is going to lead him to Felwithe. I scratch my head, and
   being the nosey sort of Dwarf that I am...I send him a tell.
   
   I tell the DE, "Wait"
   
   DE tells me, "?"
   
   I sigh into my ale as I take another longt draught off of it before
   running up to him and saying, "Ye really don't wanna go messin around
   over there with them High Elves' They look like pansies, but they aint."
   
   The DE stands there with a vacant look on his face for a few minutes
   before just running away. Do a /who on the DE and find out he's 31st
   level. Ok, so maybe he knows what he's doing. I've seen Ogres in North
   Freeport, after all. I go back to drinking my ale.
   
   Out of curiosity, I send him another tell a few minutes later.
   
   I tell the DE, "Not gettin' into any trouble over there are ye?"
   
   DE tells me, " !@#$% roleplayer"
   
   I sigh into my ale again, finishing it off. Ah, tis the season of the
   twit. I stand up and head towards Felwithe to resupply my ale.
   
   Just as I get to the gates of the ugliest city on Norrath, what do I
   find but a dead dark elf and a pair of guards snickering and cleaning
   their weapons. Now this is priceless.
   
   I do a /who on the poor soul and see he is in Burning Woods. Being the
   sucker that I am, I feel compelled to rez the twit...after all, I am a
   !@#$% roleplayer and I roleplay a !@#$% cleric...albeit a !@#$% grumpy
   one.
   
   I sit down to mem Reviviscene and while I am waiting for it to refresh I
   send the DE a tell.
   
   I tell the DE, "Would ye like a rez?"
   
   DE tells me, "no i want a !@#$% sow dumbas i have to run south to get my
   corpse back so dont be a and just sow me plz"
   
   I look around for an ale but unfortunatly Brell hates me at this moment
   in time, so I simply reply. "If I rez ya, ye wont need to run south to
   yer body. You will appear at yer body. I am not standing near you, I am
   standing near yer corpse."
   
   DE tells me, "d00d rez plz"
   
   As I sigh I look at my Holy Symbol of Brell and sigh "I'm gonna get a
   stout named after me right?" and I tell the DE "Consent me so I can rez
   ya" but I get no reply. No reply at all. So I say it again "Consent me
   so I can rez ya"
   
   DE tells me, "ok you can rez me"
   
   I sit down again at this point. I have no ale and this is gonna take
   awhile. I tell the DE, "Type /consent and my name" Being a smart dwarf I
   tell the DE, "/consent Cleric_01" and say again "Just like that" before
   he can make my head hurt more.
   
   Sure enough, I recieve consent to drag his corpse. So I stand up and get
   ready to drag the corpse when suddenly I am denied permission to drag
   his corpse. I begin to think like him and I think "WTF?" So I tell the
   DE, "No...just type it once. One more time. That's it. Dont type it
   again" thinking that as soon as I get this over with, I can go buy more
   ale and my head will stop hurting.
   
   I recieve consent and I quickly drag it towards the zone since this is
   the direction the guy was going anyway. I get the body by the zone and
   cast Rez on it, comforted by the fact that I am one heal away from being
   done with this guy.
   
   The naked DE appears in front of me and I stand up to cast my final
   spell of this exchange when he says to me "your that !@#%% roleplayer"
   and then a moment later, almost as an afterthought "thx"
   
   Compelled at this point, I ask "Why were you running into Felwithe when
   you are KoS?"
   
   DE says, "I was going to burned woods"
   
   I say, "Burning Woods?"
   
   DE says, "no i go there when i die i want to hunt burned woods"
   
   I say, "Who told you to go hunting in Burned Woods, inside Felwithe?"
   
   DE says, "some who wouldnt sow me" and then "will you sow me plz,
   its for a CR"
   
   I stand there drooling on myself for a moment, trying to catch up. I
   havent had an ale in a good 20 minutes at this point, so I am starting
   to see spots.
   
   DE says, "dont be a just sow me before they move the zone again"
   
   I stare at the lad and ask "Move Burned Woods? Again?"
   
   DE says, "yea"
   
   I finally snap and say, "They aren't going to move it again. Once they
   moved it to Western Wastes, with all the snow, it stopped burning."
   
   DE says, "i saw a burning tree"
   
   I say, "Exactly my point. Now if they would only move Burning Woods
   there it would stop too and people wouldn't go there when they die."
   
   DE says, "can you sow me, its for CR"
   
   I say, "sow doesnt work in IC until you get past EW and then it will
   work for CR's only until you get to WW, then ask the first person you
   see for sow there." I add as an afterthought "Sometimes they look like
   flying blue things but they can sow"
   
   DE says, "wtf???"
   
   I say, "Allow me to use smaller words. You do not need a sow yet. Do
   what I say and you'll get there right away." and then "Sit down and mem
   the spell Bind Affinity"
   
   DE is silent for a bit and finally says "its red" as he is standing up
   
   I say, "I am glad they covered Colors this week. Now target yourself and
   cast this spell. " He just stands there for a minute, so I add "it will
   r0ck" and he begins to cast the spell, binding himself behind the guards
   at Felwithe. I feel somewhat better already, maybe I dont need ale.
   
   DE says, "it said bound" and begins to giggle
   
   I say, "Now sit down and mem the spell Iceclad Gate. This will r0ck even
   more."
   
   DE says, "this one is green"
   
   I say, "You're damn good at those colors man"
   
   DE says, "thx"
   
   When the DE stands up I say "This is going to take you to Iceclad Ocean.
   It's an ocean so that's why they moved Burned Woods there....to put it
   out."
   
   DE says, "what about sow"
   
   I say, "Remember that sow wont work until you are on a CR in WW. In fact
   you actually run faster in snow if you set the RUN button to WALK. Do
   that now."
   
   DE says, "ok"
   
   I say, "Now cast Iceclad Gate....the Green one. Remember to run straight
   out of where you appear and dont stop swimming until you hit Burned
   Woods."
   
   DE begins to cast a spell and I zone in to get my ale....remembering
   that the Ignore list cures most headaches that ale cant and feeling
   somewhat better about going back to Sebilis.

Yeah, to me its almost as good. So true to some reality . . .

Sadly, even as recently as a few months ago, I had somebody ask my wiz for a sow or soe. And I told them I am a wiz I cannot cast it (Yes, I could have logged on one of my other toons, but it was not convenient at the time). I basically got the same response as above, some explitive and "I just saw you cast it on your self", to which I mentioned I have Fabled J-boots . . . . .

I blame PL'ing , LOL.

Burned Woods part III:
So.. There I am.. Sitting on Iceclad bridge enjoying the view and healing travelers as they pass by.
Out of no where pops up this little Dark elf.
DE: HEY can you guide me to WW Duuudee
Being the generous sort I actually consider this.. I do a /who on De and to my surprise he's level 31!. WW is no place for a 31, heck its not even a place for a 51.. I sigh.
I tell De: You really shouldn't be out here at 31. Why do you want to go to WW?
DE: I need to go hunt there but i can't get sowed till I get to EW.
I scratch my head at this since I am the nice shamenly type.
I say: Ok. zone through I'll sow you on the other side.
*zoning. please wait*
I caste sow upon the totally hopeless DE and being the nice shamen I am I tell him: You really should invis yourself before you go running across EW. Something out there will kill you.
DE: Wft is invis????
I say: In your spell book, looks like an eye ball.
DE: Oh...
I Sow myself in the mean time, caste see invis and invis up so i can lead him to ww.
DE: HEY!!! WHere did you go *((&*(&(&. Thought you were taking me to WW!!!
*deep sigh*
Caste See invis on DE. Caste invis on DE. Say : Follow...
DE: HEY.. you stupid (&(*&(&(&* where did you go..
*run back and fetch dumb DE*
Say: OK. type /Follow this way you don't lose me.
Off we run to Kael, and into Wakenlands..
At this point I'm tired of his company and tell him he has to run to SS to CS to SG to WW...
DE: ??
I say: buy a map
DE: ?
He's getting better at that punctuation.
I say: why you going to WW anyways??? just out of curiosity..
DE: I have to go through WW to get to Burned woods before it gets moved again!..
moved? Perplexed look.. hmmm
I say: WW? Didn't they move that to Kunark yesterday?
(of course I know ww is warsilk woods, not western waste but who was I to enlighten this DE)...
I say: anyways.. Follow zone wall.. when you get to SS ask someone to show you the rest of the way to WW .. Here's Sow.. Bye bye.
*gate*..
Few seconds later
DE: HEY ((*&$(& What the (&(*&(*& is WOoshi!.. It just killed me!!!
DE: S#$#$#% Guards Just killed me...
DE: WFT!!!!
DE: Died again
DE: HELP. THE guards keep killing me!!!!
/ignore

You guys are evil ... i just fell out of my chair laughing so darn hard ... someone get me an ale and icepack

Skater Gnome




ok so like last night im playing eq, and the phone rings and
its my friend jeff moncrief (who we call J-Mo as a nickname
cause it sounds like j-lo and he hates it) and hes like 'dude,
ive got too tickets to Godsmack for tonight!!'
and im like 'omg dude wtf so you you are so gay. im not going
to a concort with you just the two of us'
and hes like 'wtf dude girls are coming with us. like 10 ppl
are goin'
so im like 'sweeeet dude, u r not gay u rule'
so i grab my jacket and yell 'mom ill be back in a sec, i have
to go outside to pee'
and shes liek 'huh? cant you use the bathroom like a normal
person?'
but i was already out the door by then, and i run over to j-
mo's house and there all outside waiting for me.
so we pack like 10 ppl in the honda and im liek 'dude get off
me ' and 'dude stop touching me' like the whole way there.
anyway we get there, and were parking and we all get out and
go up the the gates, and theres this long- line and we get
in line, and all of the sudden these guys behind us are
like 'hey dudes, we were in line first you just cut us'
and im liek 'wtf dude no you weren't you just came up i saw
you, liars'
and the girls who came with us are giggling and looking at me
and im feeling tough.
so one of the guys pushes me and says 'are you calling me a
liar?'
and im like 'uhh, ya are you deaf? dont make me eagle strike
your '
but these guys are big and older and im thinking maybe i
should have handled it a little differently.
so hes walking toward me with his fists ready and everything,
and im getting reely scared now, when suddemly i remember...
feign death! feign death!
now let me tell you... that doesnt work in reel life,
cause i fell down and played dead real convincingly and he
didnt even hesitate before starting to kick my ribs in.
so lift my head up and im like 'dude wtf im dead just look at
me' and i close my eyes and stick my tounge out, and he didnt
even think about stopping.
so im getting reely hurt now and i look up and i see j-mo
looking at me and im like 'j-mo nuke him wtf!!'
so j-mo comes running over and stops it and im like hurt
pretty bad and those guys run off and j-mo is like 'dude quit
crying sissy'
and im like 'dude, , im not crying im alergic to the
pavement'
so im grumpy and this girl sara who rode with us comes up to
me and shes like 'aww skatey-poo are you ok huney?'
and im like 'ya im fine'
and shes holds my hand and says 'is there anything i can do to
make you feel better?'
and i think about it for a minute and im like 'ya, u can get
me some ice cream'
so in the end i got some ice cream and saw a good concort so
it wasnt reely all that bad. ive been grounded for tto weeks
though, but hay, i can still play eq, so im happy

MY BIG ADVENTURE, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok i get home last night, right, and i turn on the monitor and
i guess what i see? my brothers account is at the character
selection screen, hehe.
so im very tempted to log his 60 enhcanter on but he said to
never ever play it, but that was BEFORE i leart everything
about eq with my 5 monk.

so im thinking about it and i decided to eat some ice cream.
so im eating ice cream and looking at the enchanter and eating
more ice cream and finally i push the ice cream aside and log
in Tyru (named changed duh)the enchanter

anyways im fealing reely tough and looking around but i dont
recognize where i am and thats wierd cause ive been in all 8
of the zones already with my monk

well then i get this tell

Rathmus tells you 'are you coming dragon nec with us?'

so i tell him 'which one?' cuase i dont know which dragon he
means

Rathmus tells you 'what..?'

i tell him 'which dragon duh'

and then theres this long pause and he says 'ummm, dragon
necropolis... the guild raid tonight. we're kill zoolander'

ROFL a bad guy named zoolander!!

so i tell him 'hahaha dude u r funny there is no mob named
zoolander, haha, haha.'

so then he says 'Tyru are you ok?'

so i say 'no dude im peeing my pants cause u r a funny guy'

so then there is this long pause again and he says 'just read
the motd and get out to WW asap'

WTF??!!

so im like 'omg dude, speak freakin enlgish wtf'

so i see in guild chat that a wizard is giving away pickups at
gbp.

well this i just HAVE to see. a pickup in eq, haha.

so i say to the guild 'where the hell is gbp??!!

and the wizard is like 'if you cant even remember that, you
should just click gate and find out'

so i gate and im in the dwarf snow town of whatever and there
is the wizard with a bunch of other ppl from the same clan.

so i say 'dude i want a pickup plz, a red one, or green and is
it faster than horses??'

so the wizard invites me and then before i could get a pickup
somehow i gated again!!

WTF, stupid enchanters, jezz.

anyways were all in colebelts scars again (where my 60 EQ2
monk is parked, if the dumb guy will ever give him to me) and
we all start running for like FOREVER. and we keep going and
going and going. so i say screw this im getting mor ice cream.
so i get some more ice cream and i turn on the tv and full
house is a reely stupid show btw.

so anyway i go back to the computer and i see im in the snow
dworf city again!!!

WTF stupid random gating crap hell is this??!!

so Rathmus tells me 'consent me'

and im like 'WTF??'

and he says 'consent me we're all waiting on you'

so im like 'waiting on me for what?'

and he doesn't answer and then he says 'consent me now'

so i say 'how?'

and he tells me.

anyway, i get this box offering me FREE EXP (prolly cause i
flirted with GM LONI yesterday) so i click it of course, my
brother will be so happy! but wouldn't you know it, that damn
enchanter gates again!!

so now im outside with everyone again and i see this corpse
with the same name as me, but im used to verants bugs now, so
i loot it.

then Rathmus says 'Buff here and when your group is buffed,
zone in. send tells now.'

so suddelny like 10 ppl send me a tell saying 'SoS'

OMG!! they must be in trouble, right

so i run over there to them and im yelling 'ill save you!' but
i dont see whats hurting them so bad that they have to say SOS
to me for. in fact they looked ok.

so now im getting like A HUNDRED TELLS saying 'sos plz'
or 'kei'.

WTF?!?

so im like 'dudes i dont speak french or whatever'

anyway we finally zone in and this big orge is running off and
suddenly THE SKELATON DRAGON APPEARS AND STARTS TO ATTACK HIM!

so i run out there and start hitting it, and hes a big sissy
cause hes running back toward the group. then it dawns on me
why everyone was saying 'sos'.

so im getting hurt real bad but then the whole group finally
comes out to fight it, those scaredy cats, and i say 'haha you
guys are scared sissys'

and the dragon dies and i jump up to get more ice cream and
THERES MY BROTHER STANDING BEHIND ME!

uh oh.

so his face is all red and his eyes are all big and hes
looking at me

so im like 'dude chill i just killed a dragon for you'

so he grabs me and puts me in a chair and grabs some duct tape
and wraps it all around me!! how ingrateful can you get!?!?

so i'm trying to tell him about the free 96% exp that the GM
gave him, but he wont listens he just keeps taping me

WTF??

so hes done taping me and he rolls me outside on the porch and
locks the door. so people are so unthankful.

anyway all in all it wasnt to bad, cause after an hour or so
he threw some icecream out the window and i was able to tip
the chair over and eat some while i waiting for him to cool
down and untape me.

i guess the lesson i learned is to nextime take MY monk to
kill the dragon and not my brother randomly-gating enchanter.
jezz.

HOW IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok so eq2 is coming out now eh?
WTF??

what about all the hard work ive put into my characters?? is
it all going down the tolet??

well im not going to let that happen so a few hours ago i
logged onto eq

'selling reel good lvl 5 monk for USA dollars, send tell' i
start auctioning

im not going to let verant screw me. hell i have over ONE DAYS
PLAYED ON MY ACCOUNT!!

well i keep auctioning for awhile, and then this hot darkelf
chick walks up to me

GM LONI tells you 'hi skaterr. i wanted to remind you that
selling your account is against the EULA and is a bannable
action'

so i reply 'loni dude this is some damn hell crap. u r
scerwing us all with eq2 all my time on eq1 is worthless'

GM LONI tells you 'skaterr, eq1 is not going anywhere for a
long long time'

so then i get this idea cause i like to think outside the box
and stuff.

so i tell GM LONI 'hey hotcakes, r u going 2 be a gm on eq2???
cause if you are how about i give you like 20 platz and you
can pl me on eq2 or give me cool stuff'

GM LONI tells you 'it doesn't work that way skaterr. and im
not going to be a gm on eq2 that i know of'

well i figure she HAS to say that or she gets fired.

so i told her 'i know you cant say anything. shhhhhh. i wont
tell or anything, but just poke me twice if you will do it i
can keep a secret and your hot'

so she says 'consider this a warning skaterr. please re-read
the eula.'

so i tell her 'does that mean youll do it sweetcheeks??'

you know you have to flirt with these girl if you need
something they like that.

so i figure if i cant sell my account i may as well buy an eq2
accout

so i start auvtioning 'WTB EQ2 lvl60 MONK SEND TELL I HAVE 26
PLAT'

and this keeps going and i get a tell from a wizard named
savat.

savat tells you 'i have a level 60 monk on eq2 that i will
give you'

so i tell him 'really dude how much u are cool, haha'

savat tells you 'hes free. hes in a different zone right now i
can take you ther if you want'

so i tell him 'dude no i want and EQ2 monk not an EQ1 monk duh'

savat tells you 'no no this monk can play on both eq1 and eq2.
he can be played on both games. it costs extra to do that but
i already paid it'

what a deal, right?!?!

so i tell him 'dude lets go you are cool!'

so we group up and he gates me to Colebelts Scars zone and
then and then he goes linkdead.

so im waiting and waiting and he wont come back and then do
a /who all savat and i see hes in north freeport again!!

WTF??

so i tell him 'dude omg wtf??!! im waiting in Colebelt Scars!!'

and he says 'hold on im getting the monk but i have to keep it
a secret or the gm's will find out. just fight some wyrvens
while you wait.'

so i was scared cause its a new zone but hey, im level 5 now
so i dont think many things can hurt me

but just then i had to log cause it was time to go skating but
i just wanted to say..

dude eq2 will rock with my lvl 60 monk and if anyone wants me
to pl them, just send me a tell on eq2. savat told me the
monks name was joo suxors, which i thought was a pretty dumb
name but hey, i didn't choose it.

BRAVE BRAVE ME, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

well i did it again. i ran over to commons west side (the
scary side) to try to hunt some things
anyway im running around getting losk and i see this guy named
dervish walking slow

so i run up to him and hail him and he ignores me but im used
to that here in commons west. so he keeps walking an i keep
hailing him but still getting ignored

so im like 'dude i was going to help you and tell you how to
turn on run so you can get
places faster but now i wont, haha'

and he STILL ignores me.

so i say 'dude you think your tough but i fought 4 lvl 59s
yesterday and lived'

well now im mad cause hes ignoring me and keeps walking but i
see hes wearing no gear and im going to teach him a lesson

so i attack him and i cant hit him that hard but he sure is
beating me up fast and suddenly like 10 of his friends all run
out to help him

but check this out. suddenly i see their exploiting cause ALL
OF THEM ARE NAEMED THE SAME THING

so im shouting 'dervish your a cheater you expoiter!!'

and now im almost dead and suddenly im at full health and i
turn around and its this elf guy behind me and he says 'need
some help?'

finally someones talking to me so i tell him that he can run
faster by clicking the "WALK" button at the bottom of the
screen.

and hes like 'huh?'

and i said 'i tried to tell dervish but that punk wouldn't
listen'

well wouldnt you believe it the elf guy starts to do speels on
me too, just like the meen ppl from yesterday

and elfguy says 'you better run'

and i say 'im not scared of you'

and he says 'huh?'

and i say 'im a lvl 5 monk, haha, whats up now? YOU better run'

and he just stands there

and then he says 'n00b' and leaves.

and i shout at him WTF is a n00b im a MONK ARE YOU DEAF!!>??

and this dervish guys is beating me up bad now that elf guy
left so i run and and im faster and dervish is following me
with his band of cheaters. well i see another group killing
some stuff, so i run over there and say 'hey wanna help me
kill some exploiters?'

and then dervish run up to me with his dirty no good friends
and kills me quick

so i died come back in freeport east and suddenly im getting
all these tells

sakan tells you 'dude thanks for the train, n00b'

OMG WTF???

so im like 'sakan wtf are you dumb this is fantasy, no trains
in EQ'

then..

critol tells me 'you are a total n00b dude'

WTF??

so now im wondering if n00b is like a nice name for a monk, or
something cause i hear it alot.

anyway im staying awayt frum common west side forever unless
nicer people play there

Panaka, don't give up your day job.

As did I when I first re-found them . . .

Skater Gnome rulez! Good stuff, Panaka. I was thinking about posting them here too. Glad to see I´m not the only one who remember Skater!

One virtual ale and virtual icepack, here ya go.

Hm Its makes a little sad I don't find this funny anymore.

I think it stopped being funny around the time cargo pants went out of style.

Mmm, this thread reminds me of The Quon. He was a boss before being a boss was cool. Every now and then, I go back and re-read the MC's exploits. Good times...

If we could have cargo pants, we wouldn't need bigger bags.

Okay, here's I'm wwwaaaadddd

I’m wwwwaaaadddd

I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.

I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. Gulp.

My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.

I forgot that I was in typing mode.

The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.

I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.

He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.