The Twisted tales of Larry

There I was. In the forest, evening changing slowly into night. Darkness crept up the trunks of the trees and shadows took over the ground. I turned up my gamma correction. It didn’t help.

Everyone else had gone, some to other adventures far away from the small puddle of darkness in which I stood, others back to their cities to count their hard won treasure. Other adventurers passed by, some from other guilds, hurrying by without a glance, some un-guilded, wandering beneath the trees, knowing that there was nobody to call for help, poor pathetic creatures. The torches at the foot of the bridge struggled against the creeping gray of dark. I could hear the merchants putting their things away and retreating to the relative safety of their tents for the night.

And then, watching all that activity, there was calm. No more adventures passing by in polished armor. The merchants inside their tents, flaps closed, thin streams of light creeping across the ground like spectral fingers clawing at the dirt. Nothing stirred in the dark but I knew I wasn’t quite alone either. Even in the pitch blackness I knew they were there, striding in the gloom, indifferent to anything that moved around them. Arrogant, fearing nothing, the denizens of Nektulos walked through the trees, oblivious to the painful doom that awaited them. Something stirred to my right, I looked over at the Grim Spellbinder that stood there. Bones devoid of flesh, ethereal light in his empty sockets, he inspired fear in the most hardened and wicked of monsters. He stood there, slightly rocking, eager for the fight, waiting the command to engage the enemy, an evil smile crept across my half hidden face.

“Just you and me Larry.” I called him Larry, he didn’t seem to mind. Tonight’s prey was waiting just beyond the small light emanating from the torch above the traders tents. Cackling Skeletons. I had a writ that just couldn’t wait, darkness or no. We walked slowly down the crumbling cobblestone path, brown grass struggled to make it through the cracks, desperately trying to touch the feeble sunlight that made it down through the thick trees during the day. We stepped right on the feeble blades, crushing them beneath our feet, on purpose. Yup, me and Larry, evil as they come.

Off to my left I heard the dry raking steps of a skeleton. I stopped. Larry stopped to, he has to, he makes the same sound, him being a skeleton and all. Sometimes Larry sneaks up behind me, he never lets on, but I think he gets a kick out of scaring me. We stood there for a moment, waiting for the sound of bones on dead leaves, we didn’t wait long. Off in the trees I could see a shadow, darkness against the light shining off of the river. A Cackling Cadaver. His name flashed briefly before my eyes. Orange. Not the happy orange of a pumpkin or a nice glass of Minute Maid. No, this was the Orange of decay, ugly and repulsive.

“He’s Orange Larry!” I said under my breath, I never know if he hears me or not, he just sort of gives me a blank look. “What do you think, can we take him?” Of course Larry doesn’t think, he’s got no brain, I mean you can see right through his skull. The Necromancer hand book says that Larry is supposed to be the brawn and I’m the brains of the outfit. I mentioned this to Neophyte Jhanov once, he just sort of looked at me, shook his head and told me to do the best I could. Larry said nothing. I cast an Agitation spell on him, sort of makes his hair stand on end, he doesn’t have any real hair but I can sort of imagine it curling up and standing out every time I cast it. I wanted to put a wig on him but the other Necromancers might laugh.

Flaming swords circled him, he didn’t seem to notice and I couldn’t really tell the difference but he does, what’s a little power between friends, right? I checked the road for bears and snakes. I don’t like snakes much, my Mother said it was because of something that happened when I was young, something about a snake, a goat and a butter churn, I cant quite remember it all, its sort of fuzzy, but snakes give me the creeps. Bears I can stand, but they sneak up on you, cowards, they wait for you to get into a good fight and then POW! Bear claws up your backside.

The area was clear, nothing but skeletons. Thinking evil thoughts, I readied my most powerful spells and then gave Larry the signal. Attack!

Larry ran through the darkness straight for the skeleton, then he sort of jogged off to he left to go around a tree that wasn’t really in his way. Larry’s not to bright. I heard the cackling laugh of the skeletons and Larry hit him with a poison spell. I threw a Petrify spell at the maniacal pile of bones to freeze him in his tracks.

Target not in view. [expletive ninja'd by Faarbot]!

Larry had run back around the tree and I couldn’t see the stupid skeleton. I circled left, I could see that Larry was getting beat up pretty bad so I readied my Soothe Servant spell. I turned around a tree and there they were, I cast my spell to aid Larry in his fight.

Fizzle!
I cast it again. Larry’s life getting precariously low.
Fizzle!

Desperate, I hit the laughing corpse with a Skeletal Maters Strike. POW! The monster turned his attention to me. Ooops. Not the best of circumstances. I hit him with the Petrify spell and he stopped dead in his tracks, not dead dead, I mean he was already dead to begin with being a skeleton and all, I mean he just stopped, you know, turned to stone. I sent some energy Larry’s way, his life force going from red to yellow. Larry hit the skeleton again, energy ball right in his back, sort of unfair but like I said, me and Larry, were evil. The skeleton broke free from his petrified state, his eyes still fastened on me. My timer for my Masters Strike wound down slowly, almost as if it were in a time warp, tick …… tock. Larry hit him again but the monster was fixed on me now. Little did he know what spells I had in store for him. Muuhhahahah!!! I whipped my staff around my head, thick brown ethereal chains circled above me, I flung them at the approaching enemy. And then;

Interupted!

I ran; Fast!

The skeleton was chasing me, Larry chasing the skeleton, we made a merry parade down the road. I sprinted to get in front of the monster and the suddenly turned. I chanted the Petrify spell to stop the mad sack of bones. Mess with me and Larry eh!

Fizzle!

I screamed a curse to all developers as the skeletons sword bit into me again.

They promised! Less fizzles!!!

One hit, two hits, my life slipped slowly into the night as the skeleton came on. Larry hit him again but the crazy monster shrugged him off, I hit it with a Dust Blast, holding him off until I could smash his pasty white skill with a Masters Strike. Fifteen seconds left, he hit me again, my staff whirled around me, weaving a net of wood and steal.

I got better at defense.

The skeleton swung, missed. Larry hit him again, the skeletong staggered under the blow. “We have you now!” I yelled to no one in particular. I hit the skeleton again with a Dust Blast. He was going down! I cast my final Masters Strike, the spell wove around me like black lightning, the skeleton knew it was all over, me and Larry were just to much for him. We were a Necromantic Nightmare come to life! The skeleton crumbled to the ground; dead, or dead again depending on how you look at it. Larry stood there, almost dead himself, same stupid look on his face. We were going to have a long talk, Larry and I , about running around trees during fights. I rummaged around the corpse and came up with a skeletal hand. A prize for the hard work. I turned to go back to the road and I saw nothing but a big brown paw, I tried to duck bit it was to late. I fell to the ground. Dead!

Larry disappeared back into the earth without saying goodbye, coward. The evil creature that had done me in sauntered away, showing me his big ugly backside.


Stupid Bears.
Message Edited by Kassabba on 07-15-2006 08:26 AM

AWESOME story, liked it a LOT!

++Xan

:smileyvery-happy: hah,that`s a gerat story,very funny ending!

Very very good. I like the story so much....heh...Larry....great name for a pet tank.

In the Caves
(Why I hate the day after a big update.)

I followed Durok into the cave, I normally try to stay away from caves, creepy places, but when your with a Templar of Durok’s capabilities you sort of just shrug and follow along. I had an added incentive, he was hunting bears, I hate bears; nasty furry bags of bad temper and foul manners, I would walk a long mile to see one hanging on a wall. Larry felt the same way.
He was following me as I followed Durok, his feet crunched through the dead leaves and branches, I turned and told him to shush and he just shook his empty head and stepped on the next branch. Durok gave me an annoying look, I shrugged my shoulders and pointed at Larry, he rolled his eyes in his head and continued on. A foul odor was slowly percolating from down in the depths of the cave, a cross between last months milk and my socks before laundry day. We knew we had the right place, like I said, bears stink. Durok was getting 25 silver for pelts in good condition, meaning we couldn’t hack the thing up as we killed it. This leads to its own problems because that doesn’t leave many places to hit them, their beady little eyes and their gaping mouths. I told Larry to keep it easy on the fireballs and im mostly sure he understood, but then you never can tell with him. Durok crouched down on the ground and pushed something around in the dirt with his dagger.
“Two of em Gnasch; big male and a female.” I didn’t say anything, they all looked the same to me, big teeth and huge paws. Larry began to twirl around in circles, kicking up dust, I turned around and smacked him in the head, its all bone and air but it gets his attention. He jumped and stepped back, his hands lighting up green.
“Its just me dummy! Be still!” I hissed, he nodded again and started looking around, seeing nothing to fight he looked like he was going to spin around again but I glared at him and he looked at the ceiling.
We crept further down the tunnel, nothing more irritating than fighting the bear in front of you and having two or three more sneak up behind. The smell got worse the farther we went, the cave seemed to go on forever and I thought for a moment we were going to bump into the Freeport Sewers if we went any further. Durok stopped, he held his hand up behind him and I crouched down on the ground, looking in front of me and behind me at the same time, making sure that Larry didn’t do anything stupid. Of course it was a good thing he was stupid, the plan was to find the bears and send Larry in after them, if he could keep one of them busy, Durok and I would take the other flea bag down. Larry doesn’t mind getting gnawed on, the trick is getting him to attack the right target in the first place. Durok began mumbling to himself, silent prayers that would shield and protect us against the furry menaces. I waited to feel the glowing power surround me. Nothing happened. I looked at Durok and he was staring at his hands.
“What?” I asked in a whisper.
“I don’t know, nothing happened.” He began to mumble and move his hands again, I felt the power around me, but it was weak and wispy, not what he normally put out.
“Is that it?” I asked, wondering if he was messing with me.
“I guess so, It doesn’t feel right does it?” He shook his head and stood up. “It’ll have to do I guess.” He muttered something that I didn’t catch and unsheathed his sword. I prepared myself, making sure that my deadliest spells were ready and waiting for me to call upon them. I ran them through my head one at a time, Petrify, my favorite for bears, I hit em with that and smack em on the nose while they cant move, demoralizes em. Lightning burst. I paused and tried to run it through again. The spell was unfamiliar, it had changed. I tapped Durok on the shoulder.
“Theres something wrong, my spells are goofy.”
“Goofy? How? I mean your goofy enough already.”
“I don’t know, there just different that’s all, I don’t recognize some of them.” He looked at me like I was making it up I shrugged. He stared at me for a moment, his face was pale and sweaty.
“You allright?” I asked him. “You don’t look so good.” He shook his head and pointed around the corner. I peeked around his big arm and there were the two bears, sitting in the small cavern around the corner. He pointed at Larry and motioned for him to take the big one first. I nodded in agreement and peered around him again. I have to see the victim before I can unleash Larry on them. I concentrated and gave the mental command for Larry to attack! He jumped in the air and ran laughing down the corridor at the bears, green balls of dripping energy surrounding his fists. The bears saw him and roared, the male rushing at Larry. Durok stepped into the cavern and I was right behind him, as soon as Larry engaged the male we were going to take the female out. The two were on a collision course, Larry raised his hands and flung the deadly energy at the charging animal, the balls of fire flew through the air and sailed past the big bear and exploded on a group of rats that the bears had been eating. Larry laughed a wicked laugh and ran past the bear, chasing the one surviving rat down the corridor. I groaned and Durok cursed as the bears turned their shaggy head towards us, forgetting about the skeletal idiot that just ran past them. Durok shouted and smashed the big bear in the face with his shield, the bear howled and Durok followed it with a wicked blow across its back with his sword. The female was running to join the fight and I froze her in place, she petrified and turned stony grey. I mentally shouted for Larry to come back as I brought my staff down on the big bears head, it didn’t do much damage but he turned to look at me anyway. Durok kicked him in the head but he was still staring at me, I backed up and readied my Dust Blast spell and unleashed it. Dust hammered into the beast and knocked Durok down as well.
“Hey!” He shouted as he scambled back to his feet.
“Sorry!” I shouted, that spell had never done that before. Before Durok could engage the screaming brown menace it took a swipe at me, I tried to back up but I took the blow in the shoulder.
“OW!” I said, not very heroically. Blood was coming out at a pretty good rate where the claws had raked my shoulder. Durok bashed the bear in the rear end and kicked it a few times, shouting at it until it turned back on him. He stunned the bear with a wicked blow to the head, he held his hand out towards me and chanted. I waited for the healing power to fix my shoulder, the glow from his hand ceased and I looked down, it was still bleeding pretty good.
“Hey!” I shouted as I tried to get to my feet. “What was that!?” He looked back at me, the blood still flowing from the wound. His eyes got wide and he looked at me. I knew that there was something wrong. I hit the bear with several spells in a row, weakening it as Durok hammered it again and again, backing it up slowy. I looked at the female bear and she was still grey and solid. I shook my head, the spell shouldn’t be lasting that long. I heard cackling laughter coming from one of the corridors, green light flashed in the passageway across from us and I shouted again for Larry. The big male finally went down and Durok turned his attention to the female. He hammered her in the head and his sword bounced off.
“Un-freeze her Gnasch.” I tried to chant the canceling incantation and nothing happened.
“Uh…” I was interrupted by a rat running across the room and out another door, Larry charged right past us and disappeared down the hallway after the little rodent. We both stared after him, Durok annoyed and me a bit embarrassed. A huge paw lifted me off of the ground and I slammed into the wall, the female was defiantly not frozen anymore and she had her eyes on me. Durok chanted again and I felt the healing power trickle around me, the pain didn’t stop and I heard Durok cursing as he kicked the bear again and again. She didn’t care, she had her eyes one me, Durok held out his hands and tried to chant again but nothing happened.
“It wont cast! Run!!!” Easy for him to say, it felt like my spine was coming out of my mouth. I tried to crawl but the bear was on me to soon. She bit down on my leg and I screamed as she dragged me across the passageway. Durok was vainly trying to get his healing spells working but they just wouldn’t do what he wanted. I couldn’t concentrate with several teeth wedged into my leg and my head bouncing along the floor. I looked up as Durok began running after us, giving up on his spells. He took three steps and a rat ran in front of him, oh no, I thought, please no! But it was to late. Larry crashed into the side of Durok knocking him down as he tried to chase the rat. The bear turned a corner into a dark passage as I watched Durok and Larry try to untangle themselves. My head hit a large rock and the world went all fuzzy, the good thing was I couldn’t feel my leg anymore, the bad thing was I was going to have to take this new armor back to Dak and explain all the teeth marks in it.
Duroks cursing and Larrys Cackling receded down the hallway.
Stupid Bears!

LOL, i love em, just about busted at work laughing so hard, plz write more.

omg that was awsome brought back so many memories of when my necro was young and the pets were dumb. (They are still dumb crazy path problems) Please do write more

Holy isht. Please write more. I haven't read a good satire in ages.

NOTE: After reading the boards after each live update, its always the same old thing. <sigh> After thinking long and hard, this was the result. (this was originaly posted on the my guild site after LU 13, appologies to those who have seen it before but it was the next one in the Larry file)




<court herald> All Rise! We will now convene the court of Illusionary Equity, the Honorable Justice Larry presiding. All those with grievances please make your case and all will be heard.

<Defense Attorney> I object!

<court herald> You cant object, the trial hasn’t even started.

<Defense Attorney> The judge is a Grim Spellbinder! I demand to know who summoned him!

<court herald> He wasn’t summoned, he was next in the judges pool. Objection overruled!

[the defense lawyer sits down and Larry starts playing with the gavel]

<court herald> The first case on the docket is the matter of everyone VS. SOE who is charged with Malothropic Changeus Updatopothy. The defendant wishes to enter a plea of Not Guilty by reason of Corporate Conglomorationismist. The first witness will step to the bench.

[a stooping figure sits in the chair, dented helm in his lap]

<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> “Hello, im a Guardian, I fight monsters and I have just been awful since the defendant decided to rearrange the world. I mean it takes work now to kill anything, like the other day I was walking along and saw this butterfly and I thought to myself, ‘Why not just whack its wings off’ I ended up in the Freeport infirmary with wing burns all over my face. Do you know how embarrassing that was.”

[the crowd mutters in sympathy]
[judge Larry bangs his gavel on the desk]

<court herald> Quiet in the courtroom! Does the prosecution have any question?

<prosecutor> Yes, if it pleases the court. Mr Crahenhiemer, your contention is that you used to be uber is that correct.

<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> Yes, I used to be uber, like I would look at things and they would fall over dead. Or like when I was with a group I could balance my checkbook while I was getting beat on.

<prosecutor> And now you are sub-uber?

<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> Oh yes, very sub, sub-sub one might say.

<prosecutor> No further questions.

<defense attorney> Mr ….

<prosecutor> I object your honor!

<court herald> On what grounds.

<prosecutor> The defense is attempting to defend itself.

[Judge Larry throws jelly beans at the defense attorney]

<court herald> Objection sustained, the defense will not question the witness!

<defense attorney> But.....

<court herald> Sit down! Next witness.

[Helmut von Crashenhiemer steps down, clinking and clanking back out of the courtroom]

<prosecutor> The prosecution calls Alouishous the Owl Bear.

[a shaggy owlbear shambles into the room and takes the stand]

<prosecutor> Mr Alouishous, can you tell me what happened to you on Monday of last week?

<Alouishous> Well, I went to sleep like usual on the Sunday, I had a small snack of rabbit and possum and wanted to get up early because I was getting my feathers trimmed the next morning. I got up and was just sort of ambling down the lane when here comes this group of humans and elves down the path. "Uh oh’ I thought to myself, ‘Here comes trouble.’ So I just sort of went off the path but they all looked so tasty and me with only a measly rabbit in my tummy. Well they attacked me first as it stands and I thought that there were a few too many of them, but lo and behold wham bam they were all dead!

<prosecutor> Just like that.

<Alouishous> Oh yes, it was soooo funny, you should have seen the look on their faces.

<prosecutor> And you killed them all?

<Alouishous> Well, I sort of let them scatter a bit before I killed them, then I let the healer run off a ways, he kept looking over his shoulder at me, I just kept running and running until he got tired and the WHAMO! He was a little gamey but I had some salt and a little pepper with me so he wasn’t too bad.

[Judge Larry laughs hysterically and bangs the gavel on his head]

<prosecutor> No more questions.

<defense attorney> Mr Alouishous, is it your testimony that you were the only Owl Bear in the area that attacked this party?

<prosecutor> OBJECTION!

<court herald> On what grounds.

<prosecutor> The defense is trying to confuse the issue with facts your honor.

[Judge Larry wedges the gavel in his skull socket and bangs his head on the bench]

<court herald> Objection sustained! The defense will cease and desist its practice of using facts or she will be held in contempt!

<defense attorney> But…!!!

<court herald> Sit down! Next witness.

[the owl bear departs]

<prosecutor> I call as my next witness Mr. Ima Leaving.

[a grumpy dwarf sits in the witness chair, his head barley peering over the rail.]

<defense attorney> I Object!

<court herald> On what grounds.

<defense attorney> That dwarf is from WOW, that’s not an EQ dwarf, he cannot testify here!

<prosecutor> Your honor, this dwarf was a EQ dwarf before he transformed to a WOW dwarf, his EQ dwarfness is pending cancellation which is why he is here.

[Judge Larry reached over and pats the dwarf on his head]

<court herald> Objection Overruled, the dwarf may testify!

<prosecutor> Mr Leaving, can you tell us what, if anything, happened to you on Monday and the days following.

<Ima Leaving> Ya can bet I can tell ya laddie. It were terrible, there was mobs to the left, mobs to the right and not’in but me and me axe. They was orange they was, aggo mobs, just how I like em mind ya. I solo ya hear, I got this body odor problem and I ‘canna get in a group so easy. These was the same rotten bags o flesh I were killin the day before so I has at em, whack and slash.

<prosecutor> So you say that you had successfully killed these mobs before.

<Ima Leaving> Aye laddie, mowed em down, loot as far as the eye could see. But not that day, oh no, those devils [points at the defendants over the rail] nerfed me and I got killed, I left three shards there before I gave it up.

[crowd murmers]

<prosecutor> What a travesty. Then what did you do?

<Ima Leaving> I did wha’ any self respectin person would do, I canceled my account and then posted as many rants as I could before they locked me. Im over at WOW now.

<prosecutor> So you no longer wish to remain in the realm?

<Ima Leaving> Not on your buttons buster, I don’t come here to think for gods sake!

<court herald> A message from the jury!

[the security ogre hands the note to the judge who promptly eats it]

[court herald talks to the jury foremonster]

<court herald> Mr. Leaving, the jury wishes to know if they can have your stuff?

<prosecutor> I Object!!!!!

<court herald> On what grounds.

<prosecutor> I wanted his stuff!

<court herald> Objection overruled, Mr. Leaving will leave his stuff with the bailiff so that I can go through it later. Witness will step down!

[the angry dwarf stomps out of the room pulling off his armor as he goes]

<court herald> Summations!

<prosecutor> The evidence has all pointed to the same conclusion, the defendant did willfully nerf everything in sight on Monday. The audacity of such a move is unprecedented in the history of… well everything. To subject these fine citizens to the terrible fate of thinking their characters through can only be the product of a twisted and sick mind. How DARE they put these poor people in harms way like that. Why the very idea that some thought and creativity be employed is heinous. Look at poor Mr. Leaving, gone forever to WOW. What will this do to us a the next Video Gaming Conference, how will we even get enough people together for the tug-o-war contest. Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask you for a verdict of guilty!

[applause from the crowd]

<defense attorney> Ladies and Gen…..

<prosecutor> OBJECTION!!!!!

<defense attorney> I haven’t even stared yet!!!!!

<prosecutor> Your going to try to make sense aren’t you!!!!! Admit it, I know how you work, reason and logic and all that!

<court herald> Order in the court.

<defense attorney> Your all crazy!!!!!!

<prosecutor> HA! See! She thinks were all crazy. Were not the crazy ones, SHES the crazy one!

<defense attorney> This is useless.

<prosecutor> Oh yea, well so are you… nya nya nya!

<defense attorney> [shouting] My client demands a mistrial, we want a change of venue to another court!

[A bee flies in the window and Judge Larry jumps up and begins chasing it]

<court herald> The court will recess. We will reconvene after the next Live Update!!!!!
Message Edited by Kassabba on 03-10-200610:30 AM

*ROTFLMFAO*
Good God, this is GOLD! Keep 'em coming!

Last year I quit playing for a little while, upset for one reason or another and went over to WOW. (that lasted about a month). While I was there, this story came out, its not necessarily a WOW story and in the end you'll see the EQ connection.

It was raining again. It had rained constantly since Averoth and I arrived from Coldwind a week ago. The rumors in Coldwind had been vague about the bounty, except for the reward offered, they were all clear on that, 100 Gold to any party that could rid the small mountain city of its current scourge. Since that was more than likely a years income for this little logging village we were intrigued. It got really interesting when we arrived to find out that several parties had tried to varying degrees of failure. We saw the Dwarf fighters leaving, wild eyed and not saying much as they scampered out of town. Averoth looked at them, its hard to rattle him, but then again anything that could scare off a Dwarf raid party wasn’t anything that we wanted to tackle alone. We met a Priestess of Krian at the Blue Dragon Inn the night we arrived. She was here looking into the matter for her temple, after talking she agreed to go with us over the next few days while we scouted around. She also filled us in on what me were looking for. As the loggers tell it, a month ago they started hearing strange noises in the forest, wicked noises, screams and strange lights flashing in the night. Then they started to find bears, dead bears, disemboweled bears, mutilated bears, sometimes in two’s and threes. None of the loggers had been attacked but as you can imagine, they saw what this thing did to the bears and many refused to go back to the logging camps in the high mountain areas. The first party hired by the mayor had never returned, of course he made the bad call of paying half up front. Jannah the priestess believes that they took the money and ran. The second group however weren’t as lucky, no payment up front. They lost a fighter and their druid before being able to retreat back to town and flee back down the mountain. All they would say was that the darkness had risen up against them, fire and lightning had surrounded them and mad manic laughter chased them all the way back to town. A hero I am not, but 100 gold is more than three months pay and Averoth isn’t scared of much so there we were.
That same night two Huntresses from Darnassus arrived. Tall and exotic, both women entered the inn and looked at the rest of us as only an Elf can. Like we were bugs ready to be squashed. Ignoring them, Averoth and I turned back to our drinks, we heard Jannah talking and turned to see her standing in front of the Night Elves. Jannah isn’t terribly tall for a human female, the Night Elves towered over her. She spoke to them in Elvish, the Elves looked at her in that same bug squashing stare. Jannah pointed to us, Averoth gave a wave and a goofy grin as they looked over. Try as I might to stay stoic, I felt buggish under their gaze, Averoth however cant think above his waistline and was openly staring at the two Elves. I cast a glance at them, they were exotic, taller than I was, clad in their tight forest garb, enough to make a man think twice. Unlike Averoth however I have seen Huntresses at work. That sexy green and brown outfit they wear, while attractive in town, blends like magic in the forest. Standing still you could sit on them and never know the difference until she explained things to you with the point of a knife. In Calmdor I saw a Huntress take down a Wyvern at 200 yards, she fired so fast that there were three arrows in the air at the same time. One in each eye, one in the mouth and three in the heart, the beast dropped dead at her feet, she never even blinked. I turned back to my ale, comfortable in the fact that I could find some nice tame human girl if the fancy took me.
Jannah came back to the bar and told us that the Huntresses were going after the scourge the next morning, they thought it amusing that a little band of humans was going to try to tackle it on their own and had graciously agreed to let us tag along. I certainly didn’t feel like tagging along, nor did I want to split the reward money, but five is a much better number than 3 and Averoth was nodding his ok like his neck was broken.
We ended up here, in the rain and mud. Six days in the gloom and dripping forest. We had seen plenty of signs of whatever was lurking around these woods. Whatever it was it certainly wasn’t from this side of the ocean. It reeked of evil, you could feel it in the trees and smell it in the air. The Huntresses, I called them Betty and Bobbi, I cant ever pronounce those goofy names they have, had come back from scouting just after dark. So far I hadn’t heard them speak a word of common, only elvish and Jannah was the only one here that understood them, so Averoth and I were the last to know.
“Tiar’Lirua says that she thinks whatever is out there is coming this way.” Jannah said as she came back from her little conference. “She found some odd tracks and more dead bears.” Tiar whatever, that was Betty she was talking about.
“How does she know that its what were looking for?” Averoth mumbled around a dried up piece of bread.
“There is a trail of death that this thing leaves behind it. All the grass and plants where it walks have died, and there are the bears.”
“Why bears?” I asked. “Why not kill everything? I mean this thing is leaving a path of dead foliage and bears but nothing else. It doesn’t make sense.” Just then we heard a loud commotion on the north side of our camp, twords the trail that Betty said the thing would come down. By the time I stood up the two elves were gone, disappeared into the woods. An eerie feeling came over me, the forest grew quiet, even the breeze seemed to stop. Then, just when the silence was deepest a bear screamed once and then was quiet.
“Is that it?” I tried to say quietly. Jannah turned and glared at me then motioned that we were to follow the elves into the woods. Averoth was to my left, I could barely make him out in the darkness, the two elves were nowhere to be seen. Slowly we moved through the brush, trying to be quiet. Then we heard the twang of bowstrings. Maniacal laughter echoes through the forest, green light flashed up ahead, then white. Trees ahead of us burst into flames throwing odd dancing shadows making it hard to see what was real and what was not. Bows twanged again and again, I could tell that the huntresses were on the move and moving fast. Lightning again lit the night, this time off to the left. Giving up all pretense of stealth I stood and began running through the branches and leaves toward the sound of the fighting. I could hear Jannah behind me and Averoth was shouting some stupid war cry that he heard in a minstrels tale in Silverwind last year. Green light again flared, this time closer, laughter echoed through the trees. I approached a deadfall just as Betty and Bobbi came hurling over it, Betty fell and rolled and kept on going. So much for elvish composure. Shouting at the top of my lungs I leapt over the deadfall and crashed into nothing. It wasn’t nothing of course or I wouldn’t have crashed into it. It was a darkness that seemed to rise up out of the ground. The wind knocked out of me I looked up to see the darkness standing above me. Inky shadows swirled around and red molten eyes glared at me. It laughed again that sick, insane laugh. I heard Averoth calling my name and Jannah running towards us. The thing held up its hands and green globes of fire pulsed. I could see that it wasn’t darkness but a blackened skeleton, it raised its hands high in the air and I kicked it in its middle. The green lights went out and the thing turned to flee, it gave a gruesome laugh and took of faster than I could have thought possible. I leapt from the ground to chase it when It ran right into the tree in front of it. The maniacal laugh was a little warbly now as it staggered from the collision. I looked hard at the thing milling around, holding its head. Bears. Of course, it was so simple I don’t know how I could have overlooked it. I stood straight and took off my helm
“Larry! You moron.” Larry looked over at me and smiled, one of his skeletal teeth fell out onto the ground. Jannah came running into the small clearing. She began to chant and call upon energies to smite the wicked creature.
“Don’t bother.” I said as I smacked her hand down. Larry was running around in small circles now trying to hold the rest of his teeth in his head.
“Stop running around you idiot!” I walked over and picked up the tooth that he had lost.
“Here.” I said and handed his tooth back. “Your supposed to be in Freeport.” I shouted. “You were supposed to stay there, I gave you away to Dak with all the other stuff!” Larry hung his head.
“You ran away didn’t you! Bad Larry!” Jannah was looking at me like I had grown another head.
“You know this thing?” She asked, looking from Larry to me and then back again. Just then Averoth stormed into the clearing, sword raised. He looked at Larry sitting on the ground trying to stick his tooth back into his head and started laughing.
“He picked a fine time to get a sense of direction didn’t he.” Averoth laughed, he had seen Larry many a time on the battlefield. Larry stood up, he had jammed his tooth back in with some twigs and branches, it looked like some crazy birds nest he half swallowed.
“What IS this thing?” Jannah demanded, her hands on her hips.
“Jannah, this is Larry, Larry, Jannah.” Larry responded by trying to bow, the branches became tangled with his leg bones and he spent a few desperate minutes disentangling himself.
“Larry is a Grim Spellbinder.” I said as he finally straightened up, a branch firmly stuck between his femur and hip. He started to laugh but remembered his tooth and grabbed his mouth with both hands, what came out was a muffled giggle.
“He’s sooo cute!” Jannah said as put her staff on the ground and sat on a log. “Where did he come from?”
“Freeport.” I said rather disgusted with the whole situation. “He isn’t supposed to be here.” By then the huntresses had returned, either to claim part of the kill that they had run away from or pick over our bones. They said something in elvish, Jannah replied and pointed and said “Larry”, they both looked at each other and sat down next to Jannah.
“See, they think he’s cute too. Were going to keep him.” Larry got a stupid grin on his face. Its hard to tell but its there.
“You cant keep him. You wouldn’t want to keep him. He’s a walking accident!” Averoth shook his head and started walking back to camp.
“I can to keep him if I want. Cant I Larry.” Larry nodded and leaves scattered everywhere from the branch caught in his collar bone.
“Fine then, keep him!” I shouted. I stalked off after Averoth. SWG I thought to myself, he cant follow me there. Sure, a space ship and some light speed and I’m rid of him, but all I could think of was Larry in a space suit.

HAHAHAHA... this last one is even better than the ones before! Keep 'em coming! :smileyvery-happy:

Larry indeed....Grim Storybinder :smileyhappy:

An Ode to Larry (Add your own verse as appropriate)

Oh bones that move with ethereal grace.
Shadows shimmer and flow.
No patch of fur, no jewels no lace.
Eyes that eerily glow.

Does fear command or cower.
Under your malevolent gaze.
Quietly seething with power.
Since ancient forgotten days.

Supreme among the forces.
Of evil that prowl the lands.
Who cares that your scared of horses.
And spiders that land on your hand.

Don’t mind the occasional tree.
That impedes your combat charge.
And that your target you fail to see.
Though they usually are quite large.

They are all only jealous and tart.
Of your prowess and demeanor quite scary.
You know in your blackened heart.
Everyone wants to be Larry.

LMAO... I think I may rename my pet Larry... :smileywink:

We were sitting in the ‘byway minding our own business. Or at least as much businees as we had between us. I had a few silver left and Larry having no pockets had none. The grand sum of our fortune. I looked back at the landlord, I glared at him, he glared at me, Larry just sort of twirled around in a circle. It certainly wasn’t my fault that the last batch of bear skins had been flee infested and I certainly didn’t tell that idiot tailor to give them to the Militia commander as a rug. Then again watching the militia officers walk around scratching and cursing had its own appeal. We were going to go out again but there just wasn’t much call for Necromancers anymore, not since the last big ‘change’ had come through. A group of wizards walked by, heads high in the air staring down their noses at us, they had become unbearable lately and if they had stuck their fingers in their ears and yelled ‘nya nya’ it couldn’t have gotten much worse. They had been marching around Freeport forever with signs and banners, protesting and whining about this and complaining about that, and mostly about us summoners. As if we had it all in the first place. I would have organized a counter protest but I had been spending most of my time picking up pieces of Larry in the outlands, he just wasn’t the same anymore. Not that he had finally gotten a sense of direction, or actually attacked what I wanted most of the time. No he was more along the lines of a kinder gentler Larry that just sort of folded after a few good hits. Not his fault I guess, the capricious gods that ruled us had decided that they needed some peace and quiet from the ‘wizzy wha wha’ and just caved in and poof, Bobs-your-uncle there we were. Nerfed.
The only good thing in all of it was that I had finally lost those few nagging pounds that had attached themselves to me, running away a lot will do that to a person. Lately I had been picking up some extra money working in Cecils apothecary shop but even that had come to an end when some stupid gnome created the Creato-matic, Cecil had shown it to me the other day right before he fired me. Looked like an organ grinders box, big chute in the top and a crank handle on the side. All the subcomponents that I had been slaving over weren’t necessary anymore, just pop in some roots and rocks and a glass of water, turn the crank and presto! There’s your product. Cecil thought it was just the greatest thing until the goofy gnomes made thousands of them and now every poor kid had one and was running around tossing god knows what in em and turning that crank. Three weeks ago you couldn’t find a decent Sunfish sandwich, now they were giving them away. Bad thing was now everything tasted like chicken, gnomes have a thing for chickens I guess, just like wizards had a thing for goats, or so I hear.
I kept pushing Larry away as he played in the dirt, dashing from here to there and back again, I thought about dismissing him, would serve him right, but it took so long to get the idiot to pop back up again it was more trouble than it was worth. I heard some snickers and looked up to see a bunch of young wizards walk by pointing at me and laughing, doing little to hide their mirth. Seemed like every new soul that came in now wanted to be a wizard. Keep it up I thought, you’ll get yours. Problem was that they more than likely wouldn’t get theirs. I looked over at Larry, nothing seemed to bother him, oh to be mindless and dead, animated to be sure, but dead nonetheless. I thought about those bear pelts and wished for sure that the tailor had made mage robes out of them and then gave them away at the docks when these new Wizzys came in. Take a little steam out of their sails if they had an itch just about everywhere. Then, slowly, I had a thought. It had to be slowly, it’s the only way they can penetrate my thick skull. Smiling to myself I got up and began looking for other dejected Necromancers around the city. It wasn’t hard to find them, I hit the bars up first and found the ones that still had some money left and then we hit the alleys. Finally there were about 20 of us and I explained what I wanted to do.
We stole some sacks from the tailor while he was taking a leak behind the tanners shack. Then we went around and picked up as many Sunfish Sandwiches as we could, some of them were pretty ripe but that only made what we were going to do that much easier. Then we hit Madam Viola’s for a few vials of blood, what she keeps them for I never asked, what happens in Madam Viola’s stays in Madam Viola’ and thank the gods for that. None of us had a horse anymore, we had sold them to pay the rent and other things and I do think that Rafeal actually ate his, he wont admit to it but he had the runs for about a week, he was constantly ducking behind a bush and letting out the most horrendous screams. We made it out into Nek forest, we had to be a little careful nowadays, you never knew which of the creepy crawlies was gonna just scream and run at you, unnerving to say the least and it scared the pets something awful, nothing like the good old days when they just laughed or giggled, now they had to let everything know what was going on. We had several sacks full of the sandwiches and if you opened them you could smell us a mile away, that was mostly the point, we made sure that the sacks were tied tightly and then the group went off to the bear caves.
We went invisible, which always made me ill, something wrong with not being able to see yourself, and you cant close your eyes or even block out the sun. Anyone that can come op with a pair of sunglasses that work while your transparent is going to make a fortune. With the bags tied tightly we crept through the forest until we were right in the middle of bear central, Simmy dropped a money bag full of rocks on the ground under one of the trees, right in the path, and then up we went. I haven’t climbed a tree since the last time Larry decided to run off with an owlbear on my but. Bad idea, who knew a stupid owl bear could climb. This time we managed to avoid any notice from the brown bags of hate and sat out on the limbs. Rafeal and Huz had been sent back to the bridge, they had sprayed themselves with the vials of blood and rolled around in the dirt until they looked properly mangled. They were to wait until one of those impossibly pompous groups of Wizards happened by, then they were going to stagger out and cry out about how the bears had attacked them and killed their pets and oh-woe-is-me my last bag of gold dropped somewhere and were just to weak to go back for it. Sounded a little over the top but hey what do you want from a bunch of guys that hang around with the dead all the time.
We were there for a while and I started to think that the plan was going to be a failure when sure enough here comes a bunch of sable robed Wizys, walking as if they owned the world, they weren’t even invisible, just sauntering around like they were on a picnic. The spotted the bag of rocks and guessed it was the bag of gold that Rafeal said he had dropped, they congregated under our tree and looked in the bag. There were a few cries of anger that turned into shouts of surprise when we unloaded all those rancid Sunfish Sandwiches on them. They looked up to where we were and started shouting. They should have been paying attention because that smell quickly dispersed over the forest and every bear within a mile came running. There all stomach and teeth, small brains. Pretty soon it was a meele, wizards trying like the dickens to fight their way out of there, and the bears gone crazy with Sunfish smell. A few tried to run but that stink just sort of clings to you and they soon got ran down. We never laughed so hard in all of our lives, we waved and shouted encouragement and gave them a few pointers but they weren’t listening. Soon all that was left was a bunch of sable rags laying on the ground and the sound of bears happily eating the sandwiches. The bears ate to their content and then laid down right there for a nap. Everyone was looking at me and I just shrugged my shoulders. I sighed and rummaged around in my bag to see if one of the sandwiches had gotten stuck. No such luck. I looked down at the snoozing monsters below us wondering just how long we were going to have to sit there. Told you I had a thought, I never said that it lived long enough to think the whole thing through.
Stupid bears.
Message Edited by Kassabba on 07-15-2006 09:17 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA!:smileyvery-happy::smileyvery-happy::smileyvery-happy::smileyvery-happy::smileyvery-happy:

bwhahahahaha! Brown bags of hate is the best line ever Love this stuff. Hope you make more eventually.

omg just read all your entries and I am hooked...you crack me up and I can so relate, think thats what makes em so good....will be checking for more thanks for the laughs...

I havent checked this in a long time... thanks for the comments. Sony hasnt done anything really boneheaded enough lately to unleash Larry on them, but i do have some ideas. Be thinking about it