Time for humor!

Discussion in 'General Gameplay Discussion' started by Meneltel, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. Meneltel Well-Known Member

    Here are some jokes, add to the thread if you wish:

    (Found carved into a stone wall in Kaladim) Oakram's Laser: All other things being equal, the simplest solution is Ale!

    Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl!
    Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
    Human: What?
    Elf: Half elves, half orcs...
    Human: Hey!
    Dwarf: Half dragons, Half trolls...
    Human: Stop it!
    Elf: ... Centaurs.

    An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.
    The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.
    The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.
    The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."

    Went to the secret police in Neriak and reported my missing parrot, when told to report it to the city guards, i responded "I just wanted you to know that i dont agree with a single thing my parrot has to say"

    What's the difference between an onion and an dwarf?
    You cry when you cut an onion.

    A: What's the difference between stomping on a gnome and stomping on grapes?
    B: You take off your boots before you stomp on the grapes.

    A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb sarnaks are. A very large, very mean-looking sarnak in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of sarnaks and saying we're stupid." The bard begins to apologize for offending sarnak. The sarnak says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-*** sitting in your lap."

    Q: How do you get a chord from half-elf bards?
    A: Ask three of them to play the same note.

    •Two orc are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".

    Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? Being eaten by a dragon.
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  2. Tekka Well-Known Member

    Not a joke precisely, but:

    Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
    Kurisutaru, Siren, Mizgamer62 and 2 others like this.
  3. ttobey Developer

    What happened to the canary in the whorehouse? He got chirpies!
    Jelloshot, Kurisutaru, Siren and 9 others like this.
  4. Breanna Active Member

    Siren, Mizgamer62 and Rosyposy like this.
  5. Mizri Member

    What do you call a Dragon after she eats a group of adventurers?
    A party pooper.

    Who gives the best hickies?

    Why did the Dwarf save up to buy his own quarry?
    So he could mine his own business.

    What do you call a magical crystal that traps your soul for eternity?
    Maximum security prism.
    Kurisutaru, Siren, Dude and 6 others like this.
  6. TheReturned New Member

    A ranger walks into a bar.

    and dies.
  7. Cyrrena Well-Known Member

    Ttobey you are funny, even if you are mean.

    Meneltel, you are always good at improv, you should make a career of it.
  8. Captain Video New Member

    Q: How many Star Trek fans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four, but the one in the red jersey won't come back.

    Q: How many suicide ogres does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Nobody knows, they keep blowing themselves up first.

    Q: How many DBG red-names does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: [This answer has been moved.]
    Siren, Dude, Mizgamer62 and 2 others like this.
  9. Sigrdrifa Well-Known Member

    Periodically, I print up several copies of my infamous "Norrathian Nonsense: A Bawdy Book of Limericks" and put 'em on the broker. I'll share the contents for your enjoyment.

    As has been famously noted:

    The limerick packs laughs anatomical
    In space that is quite economical,
    But the good ones I've seen
    So seldom are clean,
    And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

    In the spirit of this ancient bardic art, I herewith present a selection of Norrathian limericks, off-color and naughty.

    The scholarly erudites have concluded that the true limerick as a folk form is always obscene, whilst the clean limerick is a periodic fad and object of tabloid contests, rarely rising above mediocrity.

    From a folkloric point of view, the form is essentially transgressive; violation of taboo is part of its function.

    Thus, you have been warned... read on only if the naughty content will not offend!


    From the north came a pretty Halasian
    Who had a sword for every occasion
    She said, "But I miss
    The sword I can kiss
    In the pants of the male persuasion!"

    The Halasian girl loudly proclaimed
    That trousers were just for the lame.
    "A kilted man's a dream
    And I really esteem
    That which a lifted kilt frames!"

    A Halasian who searched for his land
    Joined with a like-minded band.
    It was his sword that he loved,
    But he wanted it rubbed,
    And not - might I add - by hand.

    There was a priestess of Erollisi
    Who thought her nethers too fleecy.
    She determined to shave
    And make it behave.
    Now access to her is quite easy.

    A troubadour with no class,
    To impress a high elven lass,
    Deep-throated a sword,
    Then farted in chords,
    And shot razor blades out his ****.

    There once was a tinkering gnome
    Who tinkered his girl in a zone
    She cried, "Oh, but what
    Shall we say if we're caught?"
    "Why just that we're polishing chrome!"

    A man in wizard's attire,
    Really liked playing with fire.
    He made a crude pass
    At an assassin lass,
    And his voice is now two octaves higher.

    A naughty lady Arasai
    Set prices that seemed very high:
    Fifty gold for a lick,
    84 plat for a frick,
    Or a silver for a feel of her thigh.

    Did you hear of the ogre guardian
    Whose pounder was truly gargantuan?
    It was good for large ******,
    And small dinosaurs,
    And sufficiently rough to strike a match on.

    There was a gnomish trailblazer
    Who invented a new means for to pay her:
    A tinkered machine she uses
    Clamps on to her whoosis,
    And clocks everybody that lays her.

    There was a gnome lady named Jill
    Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
    They found her love canal
    In a Maj'Dul locale
    And her breasts on a Steamfont hill.

    Another gnome lady, named Alice
    Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
    They found parts of her ****
    Adorning Halas
    And her nest in Poet's Palace.

    There was a handsome fury from Halas
    Who had balls that were made out of brass.
    when he clanged them together
    They made stormy weather
    And lightning shot out of his ****.

    A swashy, the lore relates,
    Was fencing with some of his mates.
    When he slipped on a cutlass
    It rendered him nutless
    And practically useless on dates.

    There once was a man from Gorowyn
    Whose "oar" was too long for "rowin'".
    To save her some trouble
    He folded it double
    And instead of coming... he's goin'!

    A teasing young lady enchanter
    Did smile as the men would assess her.
    So flirtatious was she,
    Inviting them home to tea,
    Then allowing not one to undress her.

    A provisioner lass had a sale,
    On her teats tattooed prices for ale.
    And on her behind,
    For the sake of the blind,
    Was precisely the same, but in Braille.

    T'was a necromancer named Dave
    Who kept a dead ***** in a cave.
    Said he, "I'll admit
    She does smell a bit,
    But look at the money I save!"

    The cyb0ring guy brought home a prize,
    With alluring bright blue eyes,
    Her breasts, so well kept,
    Were what he'd expect,
    But "her" male parts were quite a surprise.

    There was a brawler from Butcherblock
    Who liked to jerk off into socks.
    His socks were all squishy
    And smelled a bit fishy
    Rather like cream cheese and lox.

    The troll-girl is furtive and mean
    You must keep her in close quarantine
    Or she sneaks to the slums
    And promptly becomes
    Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

    The virgin half-elf Elberath,
    Swore she'd do it for no one on Norrath.
    Yet she fell without scandal
    To a red Frostfell candle
    And was less choosy in the aftermath.

    Elves are not fearful or meek
    They invented a lingual technique,
    It drives women frantic
    And makes them romantic,
    And wore all the hair off their cheeks.

    There was a dwarf named Macgruder,
    Who had a fair lass and he woo'ed her.
    She thought it was lewd,
    To be woo'ed in the nude,
    But Macgruder was shrewder & screwed her.

    Frostfell makes of some a grouch,
    The time when you sneeze and slouch.
    You can't take your women
    Canoein' or swimmin',
    But a lot can be done on a couch.

    There was a troubador named McNamiter
    With a tool of prodigious diameter.
    But it wasn't the size
    Gave the girls a surprise,
    But his rhythm---iambic pentameter.
    Mizgamer62, Rosyposy and Breanna like this.
  10. Meneltel Well-Known Member

    I use them as a /IC OOC of a poster seen in Neriak at times. (Meneltel opposes the Queen):

    We have a pretty witty queen, And whose word no one relies on,
    She never said a foolish thing, And never did a wise one
  11. ttobey Developer

    A rat on a broom is intriguing
    But riding it could be fatiguing
    The clothing will clip
    From the waist through the hip
    And looking up from below will be eye bleeding.

    Ok I was doing good until the last line.
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  12. Mizgamer62 Well-Known Member

    LOL! Good one! Thanks for that. Will always adore you ttobey <3.
    Finora, Rhodris and Rosyposy like this.
  13. Rhodris Well-Known Member

    I don't raid, I don't do experts, and I don't do heroics. I suppose I don't "play the game in its entirety" either. But NO ONE is going to tell me how to play or not play a game I pay subscription money for. You pay her sub, you tell her how to play.
    Dude and Rosyposy like this.
  14. Castegyre Well-Known Member

    Please don't waste energy getting cranky at the new account with one post. Find out what their real handle is and get cranky at that account for being a sub-par troll. So, um, yeah, it's just not worth wasting your supply of Tums over.

    edited for my amusement...
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  15. Dude Well-Known Member

  16. Cyrrena Well-Known Member

    You did very well Ttobey regardless of the last line.

    But my thought is that if someone is standing looking up just to see what they can see under a flying mount, they deserve eye bleeding, just like a peeper, you look in my window, you deserve to have your eyes bleed and you will never be able to unsee what you have witnessed.

    And I thought we discussed this and everybody really liked the Witchie Poo broom from H R Puffinstuff and you did say that you could do something similar.
  17. Sigrdrifa Well-Known Member

    Apparently one can ride a broom side-saddle.

  18. Cyrrena Well-Known Member

    I brought that exact animation up many times during my campaign, which is still continuing!!
  19. Ummmyeh Active Member

    That is going to leave a mark.
  20. Mizgamer62 Well-Known Member

    On a slightly unrelated note, I love Bewitched. Aunt Clara is my all time favorite character from that show.
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