Okay, so this is the first chapter of Phenrir's universe into the DCUO. As some of you know, my writting skills are not the best so i could use some opinions for the writting of the following chapters. Phenrir's concept is basically an adaptation of the Norse gods (and some other mythological beings) in a universe where the whole pantheon is (for reasons not yet revealed ) grounded into more human forms, essentially making them meta humans with really long lives who know each other and coexist in some sort of secret society where they know about their peers but not all of them are aware of their origins. I intend to follow a lot of the "cannon" mythologies, so I think that will make for some interesting plots and twists, when each character falls into their canonical role. Since i will probably take around 10 chapters in total, i may not post all of them here for non-spamming purposes, (May make a blog or something and link it.) That said, i'd appreciate if you guys can give it a read and gift me an opinion. ------------------------CHAPTER 1A linking Goddess.Inside the bar known as The Qlub, a man calmly sips his drink at the bar, when he is approached by the bartender, a stout person with a metal claw filling the place of a missing hand, he appears to be in his fifties, but regular customers will readily tell you that he might be older, his appearance has been the same for a while; he goes by the name of Tair. -“Have you heard about this quarrel on Gotham that the amazons have? “ The man in the bar raises his eyes and looks at the bartender through his red round shades, he is a regular at The Qlub, usually coming in late at night, a man whose appearance may be very well that of a man between 16 and 40, he stares at the bartender for a few seconds, then, after taking another sip from his glass, he finally breaks the silence. -“I heard… some serious firepower over there. “ -“Aye…not the best time to visit I’d say, you wouldn’t be planning to go would ya? “ A red headed waitress approaches the pair; a woman in her twenties with eyes so green that some people have sworn they’ve seen them glowing, she’s been listening to the conversation and decides to barge in. -“You should definitely go there Phen! I’m sure you would do a decent buck! And they seem to be recruiting all the help they can get. “ -“I’m no hero Lofny, and if they were to hire me to take down amazons, well, I don’t think they’d be able to cover the bill. Besides, amazons are quite close to the gods, I really don’t want to be crossing a god’s path without reason…or a good bounty…you know, because they are gods. “ Tair lets out a laugh and then shakes his head, but the girl continues. -“I’m sure they would feel the same way, if we were to take them on, they would be the one’s running for cover…“-Lofny stops mid sentence when she notices Tair giving her a reprimanding gaze. -“Ha! Wouldn’t be the first time“- The man in the red shades replied.-“Doesn’t mean we should go out looking for them.” -“Well, I’m going to go there tomorrow you should join me! “ Phenrir finishes his drink and puts on his jacket. -“No way, and you shouldn’t go either, too high profile. You are not taking up a contract are you? With all those super powered heroes around… “ -“Don’t worry, I’m just joining the support unit, it is stationed on neutral ground, so there is no danger there and it receives little attention, so if you are worried you will need to cause a distraction like the 1983 nuke alarm you can rest easy, I’m staying under the radar for this one!“ -“Just be careful and come back safe okay?“ The red shades man heads out into the night, inside, Tair speaks to Lofny. -“He is right you know, you still shouldn’t go, I do feel gods involved in all this. Despite our longevity, we aren’t completely immortal you know?“ –he says while showing her the claw that sits where his hand should be. -“Its neutral grounds Tair, not like I’m placing hands on wolf’s mouths.” she replies while looking at Tair’s missing hand. -“Very funny, just keep under the radar as you promised, Phenrir has finally taken up a more quiet lifestyle so we’d really like for him to stay that way, we don’t need another Chernobyl to get you out of a military laboratory, or did you forget about that one?” -“Oh right! I completely forgot about that time”-She giggles-“That was good one, quick thinking too! But don’t worry, I’ll be fine” Far from there, in a military facility a few miles from Gotham’s Support Station, a man referred to as the General, display’s photographs of Lofny in a screen in front of a group of mercenaries. -“French Revolution, Chernobyl, Civil War, Vietnam… - He then proceeds to give printed files to every man in the room- “Cuba, Mexico, Atlantis, Africa…I don’t need to remind you gentleman, of the importance of catching this woman, she’s been present in all of this conflicts and older accounts also describe a woman like this meddling with elder cultures, every time as a figure appearing amongst conflicts, sometimes spoken of as an angel, a devil, a demon, but what comes of interest to us is her apparent ability to withstand sever injury and continuing to live!”. He then displays an almost empty vial with blood. “This blood sample was taken from her several years ago in Russia, the serums developed from this sample have served to enhance soldiers in several ways, super speed, super strength, later samples gave our subjects almost complete invulnerability too, if we manage to get our hands on the source of this blood, we are easily speaking of world domination, soldiers capable of fighting hand to hand with amazons and kryptonians. One of the mercenaries, a highly respected fighter interrupts the speech, he is a man in his late thirties, known for having killed several Metahumans and even received medals for assisting in the Prime Battleground fight, his real name seems to be lost to time, yet he is known by the name Ipabog, he speaks: -“Are we sure it’s the same person? We could be dealing with clones, even a time traveler with a darn good medicine kit.” A couple of the mercs in the room laugh in complicity to the quip, the General isn’t laughing. -“You don’t need to know, but I will say this anyway, we have a couple of Deities aiding us in this war, they are the ones who have been guiding us for a couple of years.” -“Then why don’t this deities use their holier than thou powers and smite her, or better yet, help us catch this woman?” The General sighs, then, after a brief moment of contemplation, delivers an explanation. -“What I’ve been told, is this woman belongs to some sort of secret mercenary guild, we know little about this guild or its members, and our units have killed a few before, but they have all turned to be humans, however this guild seems to have all sorts of weapons, Nth Metal blades, kryptonite tipped bullets, radion darts, we once managed to interrogate one of its members who claimed they were in possession of the spear of destiny and a magic bullet forged by the illuminati, the point is, our associate gods seem to be certain they posses weapons that can harm them, which is why they are interested in taking out the one member that seems to also possess immortality, if we manage to do that, we both win. If we fail, it is important that it appears as if it was merely a human affair.” -“Fair enough”- Ipabog replies-“It seems to have the makings of a fun hunt, so I’m still game!” The men rise from their seats and head out to set an ambush, the General remains in the room and a mysterious figure materializes next to him. -“Things are in motion, by this time tomorrow we should have our girl”. The General says with an air of confidence.-“It could have been easier to use my own unit, but I have used mercenaries as you ordered.” -“Very well, it was wise of you to hire the mercenaries as you were told, if they fail, it will appear to be nothing more than an act of war and it won’t lead the woman back to you…or me.” -“Is she really that dangerous?” -“She has taken gods in battle before and she still stands, that enough should caution you against waging direct conflict with her.” -“Makes sense, but it does not matter, two days from now you’ll be able to speak of her as a thing of the past.” -“Heed my words human, do not take this task lightly, that woman has been regarded by some cultures as a demon for a good reason, and I’ve been a witness myself to past ages where she has single handedly taken down empires.” -“I’ll keep that in mind and will be sure to seek my own reputation once I can harness her power for myself.” The following day, at noon, the trap is sprung; the ambush goes according to plan, no witness is left alive and the squadron makes sure to destroy the support station, making the scene look like an act of war, the woman formerly known as Lofny is taken away, she doesn’t fight back.
Cool story, please continue with the story. Also, it's not spamming because many forum members like myself do character stories. Stay Gold
Thanks for reading! Good point, maybe i'll post the next chapters here or idk, i just felt too spammy when writing The Pug chapters.
This was really cool. I like the transitions from each of the scenes and the dialogue between the characters. They felt believable which is the most important thing for me. I like the way to gently suggested at their connections with each other and how they are more than what they appear to be. This could just be me nit-picking [and you probably have intentions of doing this down the road], but I would have maybe done a little back story explaining who some of them are and how they came to know each other, again, that is just me nit-picking, For me, it is hard to make any suggestions based on a single read as I would not want to suggest things you already have planned or have considered. I think it all depends on what direction you are intending to take the character(s), not so much what your end goal is, just a direction. I do like the what you placed Gotham in the real world and referenced those historical moments as a cover to get the girl out of trouble or to free her, that was a really awesome touch. I think if you use more of those in that kind of capacity, that would be awesome. Kind of reminds me of a comic I am reading called "Alter Nation" where the characters are historical/literary figures. If you were to do this, I think explaining or highlighting how they accomplished said tasks, it would have been cool to hear how they caused the Chernobyl incident to free the girl or why she was there in the first place. All in all, I liked it a lot and hope see you expand the world a bit more. I love reading about good characters and I would place this in that category. Keep it up Sir.
Yay! Thanks for reading it! I do intend to give them more background, but didn't want to do it from the get go so those more versed in mythology who happen to stumble into the story can look forward to the characters falling into their real selves and those new to the characters will (hopefully) enjoy as they slowly follow their paths. I think as every god falls into their real virtues(or vices) should make for some interesting turns. I do intend to go a bit more in depth into past historical events and will include more, since this story is based heavily on a pre-novel I wrote some time ago but abandoned because jobs makes us do some weird things sometimes. Thanks a ton for the feedback! I will definitely tweak some parts from it, and establishing how they came to know each other is actually a cool idea I can look into!
No Problem man. This part stuck out to me as you did a really good job painting the picture of the three of them in the bar and conveying that they all had some kind of prior knowledge/acquaintance with each other. As a reader I would have like to know how they knew each other. Again, this is total nit-picking and didn't take away from the story at all. Looking forward to more.
